*If you’re unfamiliar with the M41A Pulse Rifle or Vera, you might want to hit your “Back” button.
AK-47: It works though you have never cleaned it. Ever.
AR-15: You have $9 USD per ounce special non-detergent synthetic Teflon infused oil for cleaning.
Mosin-Nagant: It was last cleaned in Berlin in 1945.
M41A Pulse Rifle: Usually cleaned by a gunnery sergeant shouting, “Marine! Clean that weapon!”
Vera: Jayne Cobb lovingly bathes with Vera any chance he can get. You don’t want to know more.
AK-47: You are able to hit the broad side of a barn from inside.
AR-15: You are able to hit the broad side of a barn from 600 meters.
Mosin-Nagant: You can hit the barn from two miles away.
M41A Pulse Rifle: You can not only hit the barn, but vaporize it with a single rifle-grenade.
Vera: Why bother shooting barns? There’s people that make for better shootin’.
AK-47: Cheap mags are fun to buy.
AR-15: Cheap mags melt.
Mosin-Nagant: What’s a mag?
M41A Pulse Rifle: 100-round mag! Woo-hoo!
Vera: The see-through mag adds to the excitement of firing rounds the size of a cigar.
AK-47: Your safety can be heard from 300 meters away.
AR-15: You can silently flip off the safety with your finger on the trigger.
Mosin-Nagant: What’s a safety?
M41A Pulse Rifle: “Safety” means being behind the gun.
Vera: With Jayne and Vera around, ain’t no gorram thing as “safety”.
AK-47: Your rifle comes with a cheap nylon sling.
AR-15: Your rifle has a 9-point stealth tactical suspension system.
Mosin-Nagant: Your rifle has a dog collar.
M41A Pulse Rifle: Your rifle comes with this excellent $450 USD sling provided by legendary defense contractor Weyland-Yutani Corporation.
Vera: Sling? Why would you want to do anything besides caress Vera’s sultry curves with your own hands? ‘Less it’s tradin’ Vera for Christina Hendricks…
AK-47: Your bayonet makes a good wire cutter.
AR-15: Your bayonet is actually a pretty good steak knife.
Mosin-Nagant: Your bayonet is longer than your leg.
M41A Pulse Rifle: Your bayonet only seems to get used for dangerous pranks in the mess hall.
Vera: Why stab somethin’ when you can shoot it?
AK-47: You can put a .30″ hole through 12″ of oak.
AR-15: You can put one hole in a paper target at 100 meters with 10 rounds.
Mosin-Nagant: You knock down everyone else’s target with the shockwave of your bullet going downrange.
M41A Pulse Rifle: Your 10mm armor-piercing caseless rounds should not be fired when underneath the main cooling unit for a nuclear reactor. I’m not kidding. Just don’t.
Vera: It shoots through schools. And armor. And the victim. And the tree outside.
AK-47: When out of ammo, your rifle will nominally pass as a club.
AR-15: When out of ammo, your rifle makes a great wiffle bat.
Mosin-Nagant: When out of ammo, your rifle makes a supreme war club, pike, boat oar, tent pole, or firewood.
M41A Pulse Rifle: When out of ammo, strap a flamer to the side of it.
Vera: When out of ammo, Jayne is still likely to kill you anyway.
AK-47: Recoil is manageable, even fun.
AR-15: What’s a recoil?
Mosin-Nagant: Recoil is often used to fix shoulders dislocated by the previous shot.
M41A Pulse Rifle: See entry for “AR-15” above.
Vera: Ain’t nothin’ a big damn hero can’t handle.
AK-47: Your sight adjustment goes to 10, and you’ve never bothered moving it.
AR-15: Your sight adjustment is incremented in fractions of minute of angle.
Mosin-Nagant: Your sight adjustment goes to 2000 meters, and you’ve actually tried it.
M41A Pulse Rifle: Sight? Real men (and women) fire from the hip.
Vera: This real man also fires from the hip, and Jayne ain’t a girl. Dong-ma?
AK-47: Your rifle can be used by any two-bit nation’s most illiterate conscripts to fight elite forces worldwide.
AR-15: Your rifle is used by elite forces worldwide to fight two-bit nations’ most illiterate conscripts.
Mosin-Nagant: Your rifle has fought against itself – and won everytime.
M41A Pulse Rifle: Your rifle has seen its share of bug-hunts.
Vera: Used by Jayne, period.
AK-47: Your rifle won some revolutions.
AR-15: Your rifle drove Saddam out of Kuwait.
Mosin-Nagant: Your rifle won a pole vault event.
M41A Pulse Rifle: Take off and nuke the site from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.
Vera: Won the “Best Dressed Gun” contest on Whitefall three years running.
AK-47: You paid $330. USD
AR-15: You paid $900. USD
Mosin-Nagant: You paid $59.95 USD.
M41A Pulse Rifle: You paid with your blood, sweat, and tears, and this six-year contract to the Colonial Marines.
Vera: Six men came to kill Jayne one time. And the best of ’em carried Vera.
AK-47: You buy cheap ammo by the case.
AR-15: You lovingly reload precision crafted rounds one by one.
Mosin-Nagant: You dig your ammo out of a farmer’s field in Ukraine and it works just fine.
M41A Pulse Rifle: With 100-round magazines, why worry?
Vera: A single round might break your toe if you were careless enough to drop it.
AK-47: You can intimidate your foe with the bayonet mounted.
AR-15: Your foes laugh when you mount your bayonet.
Mosin-Nagant: You can bayonet your foe on the other side of the stream without leaving the comfort of your hole.
M41A Pulse Rifle: Bishop! Come do that thing you do with the knife!
Vera: Remember that talk we had above about bayonets?
AK-47: Any fool can be taught to field strip it.
AR-15: Anyone with an IQ over 160 can be taught to field strip it.
Mosin-Nagant: What’s field stripping?
M41A Pulse Rifle: The Weyland-Yutani Corporation will happily strip, clean, seal, and certify your rifle for the low, low price of $230. USD
Vera: Stripping Vera…? I’ll be in my bunk.
AK-47: Service life, 50 years.
AR-15: Service life, 40 years.
Mosin-Nagant: Service life, 101 years, and counting.
M41A Pulse Rifle: Service life, the next combat drop.
Vera: Service life, ’til Jayne drops.
AK-47: It’s easier to buy a new rifle when you want to change cartridge sizes.
AR-15: You can change cartridge sizes with the push of a couple of pins and a new upper.
Mosin-Nagant: You believe no real man would dare risk the ridicule of his friends by suggesting there is anything but 7.62×54 R.
M41A Pulse Rifle: 10mm caseless armor-piercing rounds. Why would you want to change cartridge sizes?
Vera: Look, this thing wiped out the control center of a deep-space electromagnetic dragnet. Don’t tell Jayne he needs to change that. You’ll just disturb his calm.
AK-47: You can repair your rifle with a big hammer and a swift kick.
AR-15: You can repair your rifle by taking it to a certified gunsmith, if it’s under warranty!
Mosin-Nagant: If your rifle breaks, you pick up another one.
M41A Pulse Rifle: The Weyland-Yutani Corporation will charge you a kidney if you damage this rifle. Literally.
Vera: Only one man gets to put his hands on Vera, and it ain’t you.
AK-47: You consider it a badge of honor when you get your handguards burst into flames.
AR-15: You consider it a badge of honor when you shoot a sub-MOA 5 shot group.
Mosin-Nagant: You consider it a badge of honor when you cycle 5 rounds without the aid of a 2×4.
M41A Pulse Rifle: You consider the acid burns on the stock to be a badge of honor.
Vera: What in the ruttin’ hell you need badges for? You got a private room and a 12% cut.
AK-47: You can accessorize you rifle with a new muzzle brake or a nice stock set.
AR-15: Your rifle’s accessories are eight times more valuable than your rifle.
Mosin-Nagant: Your rifle’s accessory is a small tin can with a funny lid, but it’s buried under an apartment building somewhere in Budapest.
M41A Pulse Rifle: You will accessorize this rifle with whatever Sergeant Apone gives you, Marine!
Vera: This rifle ain’t nothin’ but accessories.
AK-47: Your rifle’s finish is varnish and paint.
AR-15: Your rifle’s finish is Teflon and high-tech polymers.
Mosin-Nagant: Your rifle’s finish is low-grade shellac, cosmoline, and Olga’s toe nail polish.
M41A Pulse Rifle: Your rifle’s finish is classified intellectual property of the Weyland-Yutani Small Arms Division.
Vera: This rifle’s “finish” is a beer, a cigar, and breakfast for the livin’ legend. Wait, what?
AK-47: After cleaning your rifle you have a strong urge for a stiff shot of vodka.
AR-15: After cleaning your rifle you have a strong urge for hot dogs and apple pie.
Mosin-Nagant: After cleaning your rifle you have a strong urge for shishkabob.
M41A Pulse Rifle: After cleaning your rifle, you have a strong urge for Black Flag, Bug-B-Gone, Raid…
Vera: After cleaning Vera, all Jayne feels like is a cigarette and some after-glow.
AK-47: After a long day the range, you relax by watching Red Dawn.
AR-15: After a long day at the range, you relax by watching Black Hawk Down.
Mosin-Nagant: After a long day at the range, you relax by visiting the chiropractor.
M41A Pulse Rifle: After a long day at the range, you relax by rescuing some juicy colonists’ daughters from their virginity. Oh, except for you, Private Vasquez. And you, Corporal Dietrich. And you, Corporal Ferro… ah, you know what? Do what feels right, Ferro. We’re not judging you.
Vera: Range? Ain’t no need for a range. Just shoot ’em.
AK-47: Late at night you sometimes have to fight the urge to hold your rifle over your head and shout “Wolverines!”
AR-15: Late at night you sometimes have to fight the urge to clear your house, slicing the pie from room to room.
Mosin-Nagant: Late at night, you sometimes have to fight the urge to dig a fighting trench in the yard to sleep in.
M41A Pulse Rifle: Late at night, you… well, nothing, frankly, ’cause you’re in cryo-sleep.
Vera: Jayne don’t fight primal urges — he is a primal urge. How’d his brain even learn human speech?
AK-47: Your wife tolerates your autographed framed picture of Mikhail Kalashnikov.
AR-15: Your wife tolerates your autographed framed picture of Eugene Stoner.
Mosin-Nagant: Are there even photographs of Sergi Ivanovich Mosin and Leon Nagant?
M41A Pulse Rifle: You’re married to the Corps, Marine!
Vera: Jayne don’t need a wife — he’s got Vera.